Raging sentiments.

Doubt is a terrible thing.
Earlier today, I was engaging in a stimulating conversation with another very bright, kink-oriented individual, and in a flash of realization, I felt stupid, foolish. She meant no harm at all - it was just a statement on the general busy nature of life; for her, kink was an interest put to the side, while she focused on other things. It did not preoccupy her thoughts like it did mine; in fact, it seemed a non-issue, like it "didn't matter."

It made me think hard about exactly what I wanted. Because, at that moment, I was embarrassed - bashful of being so sexually-minded all the time. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a nymphomaniac? I'd been so caught up in trying to find the "right" person for me - have I lost sight of the other good things in life?

Maybe I have.
In my dreams about the future, I had already decided that S&M would play a big part in my adult life. Is that strange? Wrong? Abnormal (even in the realm of the "abnormal" nature of kink)?
And the biggest question: would I find that right person to share everything with? Would she match me in obsessiveness?

I already know I have an addictive nature - I try something amazing, and I want more. For instance, the first time I tried alcohol and reached the state commonly called "being tipsy," I was hooked. The feeling was so surreal, so dreamlike, that I wanted to try it again and again and again. (Of course, being tipsy is different from being drunk, I hope. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I think alcohol addiction is an addiction to the feeling of being drunk, which is different from being tipsy. Then again, I may be wrong.) Fortunately, one day, my desire for alcohol died down when I went too far and found myself spending a night over a toilet.
(This is actually the reason I have not tried any other popular drugs, like marijuana. Despite marijuana's reputation as a non-addictive drug, I would be hooked to the feeling, and not by the drug's chemistry.)

So, back to the point: I have an addictive nature, and I'm afraid that would apply to S&M play as well. Would I find someone who can keep up with me?
Just the thought of dying alone that really irks me. So said a rapper, echoing my sentiments.

The ideal opinion among those that believe in absolute freedom is that one should always be accepted for being who he/she is. Meaning, despite being an obsessive person and having high demands, I should be able to enjoy what I enjoy and be appreciated for being unique. Right?
I have my doubts.
After all, humans do not live in a vacuum. We are social creatures and may have to compromise simply because society has no room for those that are too hard-lined in their views, with no lenience to make room for others.

So maybe I am strange. Maybe I do think about kink too much. Maybe it matters too much in my life. Maybe I should settle. But deep down, I resist. I know it feels wrong to settle for something less than what I dream of. Happiness and striving for one's goals really matter in life, and I am unwilling to part with either.
Then again, only time can tell.
Now is the time to get my life straightened out, so things can be "perfect" in the future. As perfect as they can be.