However, I thought some things that happened recently would be noteworthy enough to pop up in this angst-ful blog. BUT, before I engage in any writing, I have a passing interest in haiku. If you're on FetLife and like to follow my breadcrumbs, you will know exactly how this interest came about. :) (Especially Return to Sender members.) Therefore, I will use haiku as separators between different topics.
Winters pass slowly,
Warm spring is not far behind,
When all recover.
Since our relationship ended, I had my first phone conversation with her about three days ago, and it was then that I happily found out she was still my best friend after all. The two of us were giggling like children for about five minutes before we began to talk. It felt relieving, joyful and reminiscent, all at the same time, and an hour and a half passed swiftly. I've realized that I would rather be just her good friend, and still be in her life, despite how painful it may feel, than to be cut out of her memories entirely.
We ended the night well with that conversation. Unfortunately, as people who know me very well can attest, when I fall in love with someone, as I did with her, I relapse easily. I probably relapse into things I love faster than any life-time drug addict goes back to crack cocaine. In this case, for a day, I fell back into the same old comfortable zone, thinking that we were definitely going to get back together. We told each other that if things work out right, we might be back together right after college. But three years' worth of time is no joke.
Funnily enough, I was simultaneously nonchalant and terrified of this time span. I felt as though I were living a sort of sped-up life, and that three years later seemed only a day away; yet, my brain continued to remind me of how large that length of time really was - hence the terror.
Fortunately, this story does end well. I brought up my feelings on a chat conversation (we wanted to use the phone at most once a week), and we figured out a path together.
Life is long, and the middle road is always the best one to take.
I will not forget about her, but neither should I want her badly.
I will not define myself by her, but neither should I reject that part of me that she created.
The healing has come along well.
I've been playing guitar, jamming out to old heavy metal songs from a band I haven't heard in three years, and teaching myself finance. Life is good. :)
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