My ex-girlfriend.

So, what prompted my sudden change? I did say that I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life.
Recently, my relationship with my girlfriend of two years ended. Of course, to some of the older people out there, two years is probably very short; however, being slightly younger than two decades old, two years is more than a tenth of my life.
Being the hopeless romantic, I was very invested in the relationship. She was the one that brought me out of my self-exile as a person involved in kink. I was insecure about myself before; I thought I was a freak, different from other people and isolated by my complete ignorance of other people like me. In fact, my first girlfriend (we shall call her Y, not her true initial) didn't share my interests and saw it as a "problem." My kink was a "symptom" of an abusive past, not a colorful part of me that was to be appreciated and cherished. She vowed to "cure" me of this problem, despite the fact that I didn't want to be "cured." I liked that side of me.

Fortunately this girl, the main subject of the post (we shall call her M; also not her true initial), drew me out of my shell. She was someone who was also kinky but wasn't aware of it; and when I slowly revealed that side to her, we had a deeply loving and fervently supportive relationship. We were lovers, best friends and play partners. Despite being long-distance all this time, I thought it was perfect. I thought I was going to marry this girl (forgive my youthful ignorance), and stay with her for a long, long time.

But things change. Distances crossed and misleadingly belittled loom up large once again.
I thought we had solved the long-distance problem. She attended a college several hours away, so we had mapped out a visiting schedule that worked for both of us. That schedule worked for two years and created in me a sense of false security.
However, out of the blue one day, right after one of those visits, our relationship ended. The distance became too tough. It was too hard for her to miss me intensely once every two weeks, to feel that sort of acute pain every time. We were hoping to finally live together right after college, but graduation was so, so far away. When our hope died, so did our relationship.

I don't blame her for anything. She gave me the happiest two years of my current life, and I completely understand why we had to part ways. I agreed with her that night on the phone, and we are still supportive, good friends even now.
But with the loss of that security came the realization that the world could be a very lonely place.
There wasn't someone who would keep me warm at night, to whom I could trust every secret and to whom I could bestow love that I knew would be returned. The hopeless romantic was met with a jarring reality.

And thus, my confusion about life began.
Who would I be with in the future?
What is right for me?
I used to think that, in terms of BDSM, I was a submissive. However, M was a sub as well, so I had to adapt to her, and slowly changed to have some attributes of a switch. What do I really enjoy, then?
Confusion about relationships then poured into a larger pot of utter misgiving about all of life in general, as I found out my idealized image of my future might not be exactly what I wanted.
What do I want from life? What do I hope to gain before I am gone?
And thus, my social networking on shared-interest sites began, as well as this blog.
I have patience. I know I will see how things turn out; fate and future reveal themselves with Time.

Life is long and short at the same time. I'll see where it takes me.