Raging sentiments.

Doubt is a terrible thing.
Earlier today, I was engaging in a stimulating conversation with another very bright, kink-oriented individual, and in a flash of realization, I felt stupid, foolish. She meant no harm at all - it was just a statement on the general busy nature of life; for her, kink was an interest put to the side, while she focused on other things. It did not preoccupy her thoughts like it did mine; in fact, it seemed a non-issue, like it "didn't matter."

It made me think hard about exactly what I wanted. Because, at that moment, I was embarrassed - bashful of being so sexually-minded all the time. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a nymphomaniac? I'd been so caught up in trying to find the "right" person for me - have I lost sight of the other good things in life?

Maybe I have.
In my dreams about the future, I had already decided that S&M would play a big part in my adult life. Is that strange? Wrong? Abnormal (even in the realm of the "abnormal" nature of kink)?
And the biggest question: would I find that right person to share everything with? Would she match me in obsessiveness?

I already know I have an addictive nature - I try something amazing, and I want more. For instance, the first time I tried alcohol and reached the state commonly called "being tipsy," I was hooked. The feeling was so surreal, so dreamlike, that I wanted to try it again and again and again. (Of course, being tipsy is different from being drunk, I hope. I don't want to be an alcoholic. I think alcohol addiction is an addiction to the feeling of being drunk, which is different from being tipsy. Then again, I may be wrong.) Fortunately, one day, my desire for alcohol died down when I went too far and found myself spending a night over a toilet.
(This is actually the reason I have not tried any other popular drugs, like marijuana. Despite marijuana's reputation as a non-addictive drug, I would be hooked to the feeling, and not by the drug's chemistry.)

So, back to the point: I have an addictive nature, and I'm afraid that would apply to S&M play as well. Would I find someone who can keep up with me?
Just the thought of dying alone that really irks me. So said a rapper, echoing my sentiments.

The ideal opinion among those that believe in absolute freedom is that one should always be accepted for being who he/she is. Meaning, despite being an obsessive person and having high demands, I should be able to enjoy what I enjoy and be appreciated for being unique. Right?
I have my doubts.
After all, humans do not live in a vacuum. We are social creatures and may have to compromise simply because society has no room for those that are too hard-lined in their views, with no lenience to make room for others.

So maybe I am strange. Maybe I do think about kink too much. Maybe it matters too much in my life. Maybe I should settle. But deep down, I resist. I know it feels wrong to settle for something less than what I dream of. Happiness and striving for one's goals really matter in life, and I am unwilling to part with either.
Then again, only time can tell.
Now is the time to get my life straightened out, so things can be "perfect" in the future. As perfect as they can be.

Breakdancing rocks, and so does networking.

I am officially on my sore way to ninja-dom, after learning how to jump to my feet from my back. Despite a sore back, aching thighs and ossified wrists, I am very, very satisfied with everything that happened today.

However, this day definitely held a new milestone for me. I've been on an incessant quest trying to reach out to people who share the same kink as I do, on a social networking website; and finally - I have been met with success! Life is good.
I also feel I should defend Internet networking here, since many people have the blatantly biased idea that social networking online is creepy, and weird. Might I say that I completely disagree. I accede that I am also biased, because the Internet has been so productive finding me new friends, but I think under certain circumstances, online networking is actually required, and makes life much much easier.

Think about kink. (Defense of S&M to come!)
While S&M is becoming more of a mainstream phenomenon (or, to be exact, simply a more frequently observed phenomenon), participants of said kink are still seen by society as "twisted" or "perverted." Despite the fact that we should be free to enjoy whatever safe, sane and consensual activity we desire (assuming that a free society is an ideal society), people still think S&M is the work of the devil. A comment I saw on Youtube under Rihanna's new song "S&M" puts my point across aptly, when an ignorant viewer said S&M stood for "Satan and Me." Bravo, mysterious troll, bravo.
Now, someone might say, "Hey, but can't necrophiles say the same thing? Shouldn't their sexuality be socially acceptable? What about those that find murder attractive?" Let me pull some John Stuart Mill utilitarianism here and parry with this reason:
Yes. People should do whatever they want as long as they are incurring no harm towards others. Having said this, I say: yes, necrophiles should definitely be allowed to do whatever they want (macabre, I know), as long as they a) do not murder anyone to reach their goals and b) do not desecrate things (this includes corpses) that do not belong to them. This applies to murder fetishists as well. Because fulfilling their sexual desires would incur a harm or injury (in some cases, irreversible damage) to others, they have no right to infringe on someone else's well-being.

Now, let's get back to S&M. Advocates of S&M play only when the situation is safe, sane and consensual. This means that both (or more) parties engaged in said activity are completely aware of what they're getting into, and usually desire it. A scene should be safe, sane and consensual - with no life-threatening situations and with complete premeditation and careful thought. There is no harm inflicted on one who is unwilling, and thus, no issue in the realm of social utility and no leeway for other people to control such activity. This is why police do not arrest kinksters for doing their thing, unless the kidnapping is real and definitely not consensual.

Wow, that was one long tangent.
My point was (now lost in the sea of words) that members of the kink community, if they are ignorant of others like them, cannot simply walk out the door and start asking friends and neighbors: "Hey, I'm into rope bondage and whips. Are you?" Thus, the Internet (or the extremely rare and fortuitous friend network) jumps in to help people of these socially "taboo" find one another and get to know each other.
The Web is an amazing thing, and completely necessary for most kinky people.

That having been said, I am proud to have found friends nearby and far away who share my interests. They can talk to me about a secret piece of me that is hidden away from the prying eyes of the public.

ps. This is a disclaimer: I am in no way certainly right. I want to be proven wrong, to be shown an enlightening side of things that I haven't seen before. And if I haven't stressed this enough, I am young. Wisdom will come with time.

My ex-girlfriend.

So, what prompted my sudden change? I did say that I used to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life.
Recently, my relationship with my girlfriend of two years ended. Of course, to some of the older people out there, two years is probably very short; however, being slightly younger than two decades old, two years is more than a tenth of my life.
Being the hopeless romantic, I was very invested in the relationship. She was the one that brought me out of my self-exile as a person involved in kink. I was insecure about myself before; I thought I was a freak, different from other people and isolated by my complete ignorance of other people like me. In fact, my first girlfriend (we shall call her Y, not her true initial) didn't share my interests and saw it as a "problem." My kink was a "symptom" of an abusive past, not a colorful part of me that was to be appreciated and cherished. She vowed to "cure" me of this problem, despite the fact that I didn't want to be "cured." I liked that side of me.

Fortunately this girl, the main subject of the post (we shall call her M; also not her true initial), drew me out of my shell. She was someone who was also kinky but wasn't aware of it; and when I slowly revealed that side to her, we had a deeply loving and fervently supportive relationship. We were lovers, best friends and play partners. Despite being long-distance all this time, I thought it was perfect. I thought I was going to marry this girl (forgive my youthful ignorance), and stay with her for a long, long time.

But things change. Distances crossed and misleadingly belittled loom up large once again.
I thought we had solved the long-distance problem. She attended a college several hours away, so we had mapped out a visiting schedule that worked for both of us. That schedule worked for two years and created in me a sense of false security.
However, out of the blue one day, right after one of those visits, our relationship ended. The distance became too tough. It was too hard for her to miss me intensely once every two weeks, to feel that sort of acute pain every time. We were hoping to finally live together right after college, but graduation was so, so far away. When our hope died, so did our relationship.

I don't blame her for anything. She gave me the happiest two years of my current life, and I completely understand why we had to part ways. I agreed with her that night on the phone, and we are still supportive, good friends even now.
But with the loss of that security came the realization that the world could be a very lonely place.
There wasn't someone who would keep me warm at night, to whom I could trust every secret and to whom I could bestow love that I knew would be returned. The hopeless romantic was met with a jarring reality.

And thus, my confusion about life began.
Who would I be with in the future?
What is right for me?
I used to think that, in terms of BDSM, I was a submissive. However, M was a sub as well, so I had to adapt to her, and slowly changed to have some attributes of a switch. What do I really enjoy, then?
Confusion about relationships then poured into a larger pot of utter misgiving about all of life in general, as I found out my idealized image of my future might not be exactly what I wanted.
What do I want from life? What do I hope to gain before I am gone?
And thus, my social networking on shared-interest sites began, as well as this blog.
I have patience. I know I will see how things turn out; fate and future reveal themselves with Time.

Life is long and short at the same time. I'll see where it takes me.

Starting out.

I'm not much of a writer.
I don't have the abilities of a poet or an author, and I definitely do not have the skills to make people laugh and cry through words.
So what am I doing here? What is the point of this blog?

I've been inspired by someone else. My purpose is not to be read, but rather to use this space as a place for me to put my thoughts down. I'm pretty young and life is extremely confusing, so hopefully, I can grow from this, metamorphose into something better, stronger and beautiful.
I used to think that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, even before, my goals were a bit different from that of some "vanilla" people. (Already, you see the first label revealed to which I have applied myself. Okay, then, on with some more labels.)
What am I?
I am a long-time S&M enthusiast without a partner.
I am a student, a bad one (relative to my illustrious classmates).
I am a hopeless romantic, with a tendency to be absolutely miserable when my ideals are shown to be illusions.
I am...

And here I stop, and pause. This is the point where I realize that I am also an idiot, for I know nothing at all about the world.
I know nothing about the way people TRULY interact with each other. Yes, I have an idea, and I've always fancied that I can figure out the motives behind people's actions, but do I truly understand?
Will I ever be able to step inside someone else's shoes?
I know nothing about life; about the way to live, the way to true happiness.
The Buddhist way of inner peace and abstinence is closed off to me, because I am also a hedonist. I revel in bodily pleasures because I've not enough of it; rather, I revel in the idea of bodily pleasure, because relative to some of the more... prolific college-age men out there, I am inexperienced.

It comes as a surprise to me that there is actually a lot in my life I have to figure out.
For future reference, I will mark things down here, so I won't forget any pieces.

Relationships: finding the one and only. And: does a one-and-only even exist?
My life and S&M. Being a submissive, and how I can ever find the one who is meant for me.
Career and life goals.
Philosophical inquiry and inner peace: happiness.
Friendship.

This is a pretty hefty list by itself. Most of these topics will take up a great deal of postings and time, not to mention writing about the way current events affect my life. Well, it'll be a challenge to take on a somewhat herculean task. I suppose I will end here, and get back to the work that I have been putting off. Blogs are fun.